


Wolves

by mysteryfucker420



Series: Can't Sleep [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Non-Binary Character, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Bad At Tagging, Nightmares, Nonbinary Roxy Lalonde, Not Canon Compliant, Roxy Is a Good Bro, Songfic, Strilondes, i'm making roxy nonbinary in this because it's MY fic and I get to choose the gender, this fic is the physical manifestation of how badly i want dirk strider to go to therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:54:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22245169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysteryfucker420/pseuds/mysteryfucker420
Summary: “Are you… okay?” He blinked, taken aback by the sudden question.“Uh, yeah, I guess.” Roxy didn’t seem convinced. Without comment, they hopped off the table, putting the mug down in their place, and strode up to where Dirk stood. He flinched away when they put their hand to his cheek.“Dirk,” Under the light of the fridge, the concern on their face became much more defined. “Your cheeks are wet.” Shit. His hand flew to his cheek to check - yep, they were right. Still wet.[Songfic - Can't Sleep (Wolves) by WALK THE MOON]
Relationships: Dirk Strider/Therapy
Series: Can't Sleep [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1601293
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Wolves

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I'm thinking of making this a series of angst/character exploration fics?? But I'm the most inconsistent person ever and I'm surprised that I even finished this one. (I started this sometime in early August last year at 1am, and I finished over half of it today in one sitting.)
> 
> I do recommend listening to Can't Sleep (Wolves) before listening, since you get a pretty good background of how Dirk feels on the inside and how he carries himself despite it. Also the song itself is a bop. So is the entire What If Nothing album. Go listen.
> 
> [Unofficially beta-d by turntechgodsprites because I show him everything I write. This fic is not proofread.]

It started and ended how it always did. With wolves.

Their distance didn’t matter right now - or ever. They were behind him, nipping at his feet, and they were dark shadows with glowing eyes in the distance. Logically, Dirk knew that these two things could not possibly coexist, but logic didn’t exist here until it did.

They were only getting closer. He couldn’t keep running. He couldn’t keep up. Around him were shadows, figures, people. Standing peaceful. Still. Swaying with impalpable wind to the tune of an inaudible song. An antithesis to his mind.

_Wake up tough, on time, stand up straight, talk right, don’t let up, be funny, be cool, keep running, wake up tough, on time, stand up straight…_

The words were his thoughts and the voices of the wolves chasing him one and the same tied together by the same origin in the streamriver _tsunami_ of thought surrounding him inescapable and terrifying and the axiom upon which his entire world rested. He needed to keep running he needed to keep running he couldn’t keep running he can’t keep up can’t do it he can’t he _can’t_.

In an instant - two hours later - three minutes ago - now - never - time didn’t care about him - imminently the wolves were on him. He was pushed to the ground (on his back on his front on his side none and all and he didn’t care) the wolves were on him snarling growling screaming the wolves were on him teeth in his arms chest flesh tearing him apart he couldn’t keep up the wolves were on him he failed the wolves were on him he failed he failed failure he was a failure and he was paying for it the wolves were on him and then he woke up.

\----------------------------------

The adrenaline took a minute to wear off. A full minute of Dirk sitting upright in his bed, staring ahead with wide eyes. His breath was irregular and heavy. Sweat glued his arms to the bedsheets. It took him an entire minute to realise that it wasn’t real. Deep down, he knew that, really, but dreams were rarely restrained to the laws of physics. He took a minute to stare off into space, and then he was okay.

The dull colours of his room were soothingly boring. He kept most of his things in the workshop, leaving his bedroom downright austere. A stark contrast to the so-called "organised mess" of his workspace. While it was originally a decision based on practicality and efficiency, the bare room grounded him, much needed after the intensity of his nightmare.

_‘Okay okay, focus…’_ He scanned his eyes across the room. It was dark, especially with the curtains drawn, but it was obvious that it was still late at night. He turned to his clock to confirm this fact, being met with a bright green ‘4:09 AM’. Too late to comfortably get more rest tonight, but slightly too early to stay awake until he got up. Damnit. He rubbed his palm against his face in an attempt to wake himself up properly, gracelessly smushing his face in the process. It was times like this that made him feel lucky to have his own room.

He reclined against the uncomfortable wooden headboard, rubbing his temples. The nightmare was just about completely out of his system now, with only lingering restlessness giving away that it had happened at all. That, and his dry throat. Jesus _fuck_ his throat was dry. He needed water right the fuck now, holy shit.

Dirk attempted to stand up, but his knees began to buckle the second he put wait on them. 'C'mon, baby steps…' Hand bracing the wall, he put pressure on one leg, then the other. He kept switching from one to the other until he was able to balance properly. After that ordeal was over and done with, he grabbed a plain shirt from his dresser, and silently strode his way to the kitchen.

\----------------------------------

It was dark and quiet, as expected. He and his siblings were night owls, sure, but four in the morning would’ve been a bit much. Dirk was often the earliest to go to bed, usually leaving to hit the hay at around 10pm, but even then, the rest were pretty quick to follow. The house was typically entrenched in darkness and silence by 11:30.

And so he didn't attempt his usual façade of distanced stoicism. He felt like a mess, and he was going to express that. Besides, it's not like anyone was around to see.

The fridge was his first port of call, going straight for the jug of cold water they kept there. He didn't bother getting a cup or glass, he simply picked up the jug, and poured it down his throat. Oh fuck he needed that. He really needed that. He barely even swallowed it - simply let it gush down without taking a breath. Soon enough, the jug was empty, and he was panting as if he had just ran a marathon.

"Well that wasn't very sanitary of you..." He choked on his own breath at the sudden sound, convulsing harshly and nearly spilling water out of the jug. His hands braced against the cold granite countertop, keeping himself upright now that his knees had apparently turned to jelly. "How about… a cup?" The voice was familiar, but he was too far gone into his own panic to recognise it's owner immediately. He turned around to try to-

Oh.

Well that makes a lot more sense.

At the table in the middle of the room was Roxy. Not sat "normally" at all. They were sat cross-legged at the edge of the table, nursing a mug in their hands. It was difficult to determine its contents, what with the consuming darkness covering the room, but the way they held it lightly by their fingertips suggested that it was hot - hot cocoa maybe? Roxy wasn't one for tea, and it was far too late for coffee… wait.

"Whoa, what- hold on- what are you doing up this late, anyway??" His breathing was laboured, still coming down from his brief panic.

They waved their mug in a vague shape in the air. “Eh, not much. Couldn’t sleep.” Dirk rubbed at his face as Roxy took another sip. The fridge was still open, spilling cold air and harsh light into the darkness surrounding him. “Are you… okay?” He blinked, taken aback by the sudden question.

“Uh, yeah, I guess.” They didn’t seem convinced. Without comment, they hopped off the table, putting the mug down in their place, and strode up to where Dirk stood. He flinched away when they put their hand to his cheek.

“Dirk,” Under the light of the fridge, the concern on their face became much more defined. “Your cheeks are wet.” Shit. His hand flew to his cheek to check - yep, they were right. Still wet.

“Nightmare,” He confessed. “It’s good now, though. I’m good.” The small lie slipped through his teeth like nothing. He hated how natural it was for him to lie about his feelings at this point. “Just needed some water.” Roxy’s eyes bore into him, and for a moment, he felt as if he were a particularly interesting butterfly pinned to a board. Half a minute later, they drew back, replacing their harsh look with a softer, more sympathetic one.

“D’you wanna talk about it?”

Yes. “No.” Damnit. "It's… weird. I haven't spoken about it before."

They raised an eyebrow. "So it's recurring?" It took Dirk a moment to process their words, which was all they needed as confirmation.

"Uh."

"You've been having recurring nightmares and you haven't been talking about them?" It wasn't a question that needed an answer, asked more out of incredulity than anything else. "Dude you know Rosey would eat that shit up! And at the very least, I'd be willing to hear about it, and I know for a fact that Dave would be down too. If something's bothering you, you gotta tell someone, and we are like, right here. Why didn't you mention anything?" The wolves were on him teeth in his throat tearing to pieces and

" _Shut up_." It was short, but was spat out of his mouth like venom, silencing the dark room. The steady hum of the fridge flooded the space around the two of them, infiltrating the would-be void and replacing it with white noise. Roxy's eyebrows furrowed, expression unreadable.

He was out of his depth, clearly not welcome here, he was just taking up space, he was making it awkward, he should just leave, go back to his room, he wasn't wanted here, should just leave, was messing it up, not wanted, should just leave, just leave, just _leave-_

Dirk felt his arm get tugged back before he even realised he started walking back to his room. A quick head-turn revealed Roxy, with a bold look of determination on their face, grabbing onto his wrist.

“I know that you’re not good with all this emotion crap, but I wanna help with that. Something is bothering you, and I don’t know what it is, and fuck knows you understand _half_ of what you’re feeling. But the thing is…” The room fell silent again as they shifted, trying to gather their words. “The thing is, if you keep bottling this up, you’re gonna fucking implode or some shit. I dunno, I could probably phrase that a whole lot better. I’m not all fancy and elegant with my words like you or Rose.” Dirk was silent as he stared a hole into the wall over Roxy’s shoulder. He didn’t want to think about any of it right now, but they were right. There was no way he could keep this up.

“I… I don’t-”

“You don’t need to talk. Not yet at least.” They picked up their mug and walked over to the door to the living room, before turning back to Dirk. “C’mon.” He followed them inside as they moved across the soft, brown carpet, over to the couch.

The living room at it’s barest had the same dull sense of normality that his bedroom had, but now, it was tainted with stronger signs of the rest of his siblings. Rose had a small pile of differently coloured yarn in one corner, there were messed up stacks of paper from when Dave had been drawing yesterday, they still had some game cases out on the floor from when Roxy couldn’t decide on what to play last night. There were a few empty cups and plates on the coffee table in the middle, with a mug or two scattered between them. Roxy placed theirs down to join them. They sat down and pulled their legs up as they contorted themselves into a crouched position.

After that, it was very quiet for a long time.

Dirk sat awkwardly next to them on the couch. He was told that he didn’t need to talk, but he felt alone in the empty silence. Roxy didn’t seem to share his trepidation. They just sat back and stared off into some other corner of the room, as if they didn’t even register him.

“You... can relax, you know.” They said with a raised eyebrow.

“I- I know, I just.” He fidgeted with the fabric of the couch. “I dunno-, uh. It was a lot.”

“A lot?”

“The nightmare.”

“Ah.” The utterance was little more than a sympathetic breath as their face turned from confusion back into sympathy and Dirk felt his skin boil again. He wanted to persist, to tell her more, to open up, but just being here - being perceived, especially while he was like _this_ \- was the purest form of white-hot agony. Still, his sibling didn’t push. They waited, without anticipating. Passively listening but not pressuring him to continue talking. He took another long moment to gather the right words, and braced himself, prepared to forego elegance in favour of simple practicality.

“There were wolves.” There. Good. That was a start. “They chased me. Through woods. Or a forest. I dunno. They...” Fuck, the heat couldn’t have possibly have gotten any hotter, fuck, fuck, “Said stuff.” It was only now that Roxy chose to react, eyebrows furrowing, and in response, the burning, sickening concept of being seen kicked back in, even stronger, how was it stronger, fuck-

“Stuff?”

“-mmn.” It was barely even a sound that escaped his mouth. Roxy got the message and returned to a more neutral state, but he... There was a fight or flight response burning in his gut, blocking anything other than the all-consuming instinct to run away, to run and run and _he needed to keep running he couldn’t keep running he can’t keep up can’t do it he can’t he can’t_ -

There was pressure on his hand. He almost jerked away, but it was light, held in a loose grip. Against it, he felt himself shake. Dirk looked down to see his hand in Roxy’s, as they tightened their grip to something more grounding. Their breath was deep and steady, and before long, Dirk found himself subconsciously trying to match it, with varying degrees of success. He mentally kicked himself every time his breath shook, but his chest was heaving, lungs working overtime, and he was grasping the edge of calmness with his bare fingernails.

But Roxy was there to help him up. They always would be.

There was something almost emasculating about needing to rely on someone. It was repulsive that it was a comforting idea to him. And even deeper, he felt ashamed in himself that he was still victim to the toxic masculinity he should have gotten over years ago. He knew better. He knew better but still he-

‘I’m trying’, he thought. ‘I’m trying my best, and maybe - sometimes - that’s enough.’ It didn’t feel any better, not yet at least, but it slowed his breath, steadied it to match Roxy’s pace and rhythm, and that was enough.

Roxy looked up at him with a faint smile and a sigh of relief. Dirk blinked slowly at them, and they blinked back, suppressing a giggle at the catlike gesture. Dirk smiled.

“You’ve still been looking at therapy and shit, right?” They asked after falling back onto the back of the couch.

“Uh, yeah, only a little. Why?”

“Because this shit,” They gestured at all of him, earning them a lighthearted scoff. “This locked up box of repressed emotions that you’ve been stuffing away for who-knows-how-long? I ain’t touching it. That won’t end up well for either of us.” Dirk opened his mouth to respond, but simply closed it again and nodded. “But please find a therapist. I love you, and I know you’re weird about saying it, so I’m not gonna expect you to say it back, but I want you to be happy. I want you to feel better. I know you’re embarrassed about having emotions and shit, but that’s a normal human thing, and you’re a nor- you’re a human, whether you like it or not, so buckle up, bitch.” They took his hands in their own, stared him right in the eyes, and spoke with full and proper enunciation, mouthing around each word to try and make it stick. “Go to therapy.”

He tried to tug his hands back to his side, but Roxy’s grip was unforgiving as they stared at him expectantly. He took a breath.

“Yes. Okay. I’ll go.” This seemed to satisfy them, as they dropped his hands without much ceremony. “There’s actually one that looks pretty good, and they have some open spots. I’ll uh. I’ll send them an email.” Roxy squinted at him in suspicion, and Dirk corrected himself. “I’ll send them an email tomorr- uh.” He looked out the window, watching the sky getting lighter and the sun only just starting to peek over the horizon. “Today. I’ll send it today.” They smiled.

“Good.” Roxy let out a long sigh, which turned to a yawn as they stretched. “Hm. Nothing like some half-started emotional catharsis and helping someone through an almost-panic-attack to rock you gently to sleep.” Dirk scoffed at their tone.

“Go to bed. You need sleep.”

“Nuh-uh.” They closed their eyes and leaned back to the arm of the couch, reclining their body.”

“Yuh-uh. You’re like 2 minutes and a blanket away from being out like a- Rox get your legs off of me.” Their legs were draped ungracefully over his lap as he squinted at them.

“Nope. Not happenin’. Can’t move.” Dirk was about to protest, but they continued. “Gotta carry me.”

“I, what?”

“If you want me to go to bed you gotta carry me there I can’t move.”

“You can absolutely move.” He rolled his eyes at the absurdity of the situation.

“Can’t.”

“You piece of-” They placed their index finger on his lips, smushing his face.

“No swearing in front of the baby!”

“Baby? What b-”

“It’s me. I’m the baby. I’m babey, Dirk.”

“You are insufferable.” Still, he moved their legs gently off of him so that he could stand. His legs were still shaky from sitting in one position for so long, but he quickly steadied himself.

“Hey!” Roxy’s brows furrowed as they complained.

“Do you want to be carried or not?” That quickly shut them up, as they blinked away the sleep for a moment.

“You..?” They decided not to question it in case he changed his mind, so they just responded quietly with a short nod. “Yeah.”

After balancing himself, he reached down to Roxy and picked them up like a baby. Their legs and arms wrapped around him like a koala, and Dirk placed his own hands on their back to support them. He managed to lift his head above their shoulder so that he could see the ground, and on the short walk back to Roxy’s room, he managed to avoid the clutter perfectly so that he didn’t trip or stumble.

Opening the door was the main issue, but he figured it out with some trial and error. The room itself was probably the brightest place in the whole house, and one of the messiest. There were clothes strewn all about the place, unused games cases in every corner, collectible figures and plush toys littering the shelves, with a Nintendo 64 balanced precariously nestled among them with a cartridge of a Legend of Zelda game still sticking out. They also had glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to the ceiling, a bright green lava lamp in the corner, and a thick weighted blanket on the bed. It was difficult to take it all in at once. Everything besides the faint claustrophobia and the fear of potentially dropping Roxy was simply reduced to background noise.

Dirk managed to maneuver a way towards Roxy’s bed, and with a small ‘oof’ from both parties, he dropped them down onto it, before pulling the weighted blanket over them. Before he could even think about leaving, Roxy grabbed his hand.

“...you’re really good, y’know.” Dirk smiled at the delirious statement.

“Yeah.”

“No no no nno.” They tugged at his hand harder. “You make me happy. I think you’re super great. You’re a dork but you’re the best brother I’ve evvver had.” Dirk laughed awkwardly.

“I’ll be sure not to tell Dave you said that.” Roxy just smiled bigger.

“He’s the _coolest_ brother I’ve ever had.” Dirk froze.

“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or if I should take offense.” Instead of a response, he only got a vague mumble from Roxy, who was quickly sinking deeper into sleep. Dirk sighed in relief. He watched Roxy drift for a moment, making sure that they were really falling asleep. It took a moment of comfortable silence between them, but after nearly a minute, their breath had evened out, and Dirk was alone. He silently considered his options, before leaning down, and kissing his sleeping sibling on the forehead.

“I love you too.”

He made his way out of the labyrinth that was their room, and gave one look back at Roxy before he closed their door. He tried to be as quiet as he could manage, but he heard one quiet word reach his ears just in time.

“Dork.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you consider this romantic then I reserve the right to fill your shoes with a crude mixture of superglue and human molars. It's a sibling relationship in this fic, fuckos.


End file.
